Thursday, December 16, 2010

Salt Water

My practice has been sporadic since about April of this year.  April is when I hit three years of doing Bikram and the first three years I was close to daily.  Most of the time I was in the process of doing some kind of 30, 60 or 100 day challenge. 
Suddenly this past week my motivation has slowly started to come back.  The interesting thing about this is my attitude.  You see, the past 8 months of going a few days and then missing a week or two weeks has caused me to be fearful when I'm "coming back".  Oh, it's the second class back after missing xx amount of days, this is going to be painful.
Not this week.  This week I walked in, threw my mat down, took a look in the mirror and felt peace wash over me.  No fear.  Just breathing and moving and practicing.  No expectations of how I should be in any posture.  I bathed in my sweat like it was holy water, eagerly awaiting each drop, each posture, each breath.  I posted this on my facebook yesterday: "The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea."  I find this to be true for me, right now.  As 2010 comes to a close I quietly close the book on several aspects of my life.  I put it behind me, without judgement.  I stand on my mat, drenched in the holy salt water, hopeful once again.  Hope.  It's been missing for a long time.  I don't know why it left me.  I've always been such a hopeful, positive, glass is half full person.  Without hope, Michelle changed and it wasn't somebody I enjoyed being with.  I was uncomfortable in the skin of this hopeless Michelle.  She was no longer bikramyogachick.  She could find joy in nothing, not even in her yoga.  So I welcome hopeful Michelle back.  I like her better.  I hope she decides to do a challenge.  To blog again.  To smile again.  To love again.  To be playful and happy again. 
My heart fills with joy today and looks forward to yoga again these things are possible.....finally.