I walked to my car with a swing to my hips, a spring in my step. My false starts, well, they are not false starts. Instead they are just evidence that I refuse to give up on myself. So I went to 330 yoga today with Connie. I looked at my own two eyes in the mirror, took note of my soft middle and just smiled. I will not judge. I will just breathe. And practice. I will just do my yoga. I had the BEST class I have had in months. I breathed and stretched and focused on form and was strong and determined and non judgemental. I did not notice the off the charts humidity. I did not waver when others came crashing to their knees in surrender to it. I did not get tired and I did not give up on myself. I lay in final savasana feeling like a giant lake of potential. I can do this..the thought flowed through my spent sweaty limbs. And suddenly I knew I would. I understood this was not another false start.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Day 167: Class 152~ NEVER give up.....on yourself
When people go through breakups, they lose weight. They are upset, they can't eat. They get skinny. Probably natures way of ensuring they are good to go when back on the market. I go against nature. I'm one of those that gains weight after a breakup. It creeps up on me, like a seductive slow swirling smoke, wrapping itself around me until suddenly I notice it and can't breathe. Until suddenly I stare at my pudgy face in the mirror and button my too tight pants in bewilderment. So I finally "came too" and "snapped out of it" and realized it's time to move on. Move on from the breakup. Move on from hurting over it, move on from my dashed hopes, my intense feelings that have nowhere to go, move on from beating myself up over imagined failings. I did not fail anybody but myself. So I pulled myself back up by my bootstraps this week. I called Jenny again. I went back. I know it works, I lost 20 pounds for my reunion. So I sighed with resignation and went back this morning. My counselor is the sweetest thing on the planet trilling Hi in her singsong voice and saying "I'm sooo glad to see you!". She means it too. She's not a sales woman. She's just a doll. I went to the dreaded weigh in room. I pleaded with my big brown eyes "Tracey, I don't want to see the number, I just want to get back on track". "Step on backwards, I won't tell you what it is and I know you'll have a big drop this week. Don't worry, it will be fine". We went into the consultation room and I pulled out my pre printed list of foods. "Oh, you went online and did a menu, good!" she says. "I'm ready" is all I said. She looked at me, big eyes of her own, "what do you need from me? Do you need me to be tough?". "No, I don't. I want to give myself the gift of hitting my goal weight and staying there. I haven't been there since 1996. There is nothing important enough to get in the way of giving myself this gift."