I've gone to yoga twice since I wrote the last post about missing a month. The first night back was Friday at 6 with Sharon. The class was hard, but manageable. My arms felt like lead weights. My legs got tired quickly (lock the knee for a minute? I used to do that?). My eyes didn't want to focus on myself in the mirror. I looked awkward, stilted in my practice. My limbs tried to form the postures, and for the most part looked like I used to remember them, but the connection I used to feel to my body was missing. I am uncomfortable in this skin right now.
Tonight I went back for round 2. Wednesday night is a bit busier than Friday's last class of the day so I got to see lots of yoga friends and teachers tonight. Lots of hugs. Lots of laughter. Lots of "where have you been?" I felt missed and that felt good. I burrowed into the lobby couch before class, Mark and Tommie on either side of me and felt truly at home. I belong in a Bikram yoga studio. It's that simple. I need to figure out how to get to training someday and be a teacher, but alas, that could be a whole post on it's own. Before going into class I whined a bit to Mark and Tommie about how hard it was going to be. I wasn't trying to be negative. I've just been around long enough to know about "the second class back". If you've ever gone on vacation for a week or two, or just missed over 7 days after a regular practice for any reason, then you know what I'm talking about. Usually the first night welcomes you back. Embracing your awkwardness as you attempt to get your bearings. The first night smiles at you, reassures you, lets you know that you are welcome back anytime! Then the second night marches right in and kicks your ass from here to China. The second night says "ok, welcome back now lets get down to business. Feel those lead arms? That's right, you did that. Oh, a little out of breath? Here, let me put an elephant on your chest. Let's crank that heat and humidity up while we are at it as well. You've been a naughty toxic girl. Out it comes!" And so it goes. Second night beating is not fun. Tonight did not disappoint. I threw up in my mouth, looked around wild eyed and lay flat on my back for several postures at the very end of the floor series. My stomach was lurching and heaving and I was in serious danger of tossing my cookies. Sitting in the lobby afterwards, looking and feeling like death warmed over I was the happiest I have been all summer. Life threw me some curve balls this year. Instead of getting upset I have just trudged forward, head down, one front in front of the other. As things were stripped away, light filtered in and put halos around what I had left. I knew with absolute clarity that so many things really don't matter. What does matter I will hold onto with all of my might. My daughter, my family and my health. For these I am grateful. Bikram yoga has been such a huge part of my life for 3 years. The month I spent without it made me fall in love with it even more. It's a gift, one that I will cherish for all of the days that I am blessed to be able to practice it.
Oh, and also.....I got a bare chested (him) sweaty (me after class) hug from my yoga crush. I should miss 30 days more often!