Thursday, June 10, 2010

Day 7: Drayisms

Tonight was 6pm with Dray. It was packed. There were over 50 students in the room and roughly 15 of them were new. Amidst all of the flurry of activity as yogis jockeyed for space, I knelt on my mat quietly, feeling pensive. I gazed into the mirror, noticing the soft rolls around my midsection, the wide hips and the rolls peeking out from the sides of my sports bra right around the underarm area. Two years ago, this was what I looked like. Then I lost 20lbs and kept at least half of it off until now. I've run the gamut of being angry with myself, being sad, being frustrated, being anything but forgiving. As I sat there I realized now I just feel empty. The place where happiness used to live is empty. I stood up for practice and spent the next 90 minutes alternating between thinking too much and not thinking. Dray's nuggets of wisdom, or "Drayisms" as I love to call them, would spur me to another train of thought everytime he peppered one into the dialog. Tonight, the physical part of the postures were almost an afterthought. Tonight I dove into layers of emotional "stuff". At the end of class, laying in savasana, Dray said something about happiness. Am I happy? I wondered. The answer didn't come right away. Not happy but not unhappy finally felt right. What used to make me happy? Hope. The word came quickly. Hope. I was always working toward something. A better position at work to take better care of me and my daughter, and of course, that true love, that would turn into marriage, just waiting to swoop into my life when I was least expecting it. This past year I realized I have the job/position already (which is good!) and the true love illusions were completely shattered for me last year. Add to that the personal challenges I've faced this year that can't be blogged about, hope doesn't really spring eternal right now. Practicing yoga has taught me to always try to be present in and out of the room. To be grateful. What I've been missing is learning not to tie the strings of my happiness to fragile hope balloons. What I'm missing is to truly feel happy and content in the present moment, regardless of my life circumstances.
Rolling up my mat, armed with these thoughts and realizations, I knew I had already won half the battle. The rest will work itself long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other on the right path....the path that includes putting those feet on a yoga mat everyday.


  1. Oh... M, my heart goes out to you. While the details of your struggle are yours, what you're conveying is so universal and connects to me personally. It's so hard not to put stock in the external things (the perfect man, the job, the right body), yet we know we need to let those expectations go.

    And I've been in that "not happy, not unhappy" state. In fact, I think it might even be the default state of being for me! My meditation teacher said that we have an obligation to be at least content. When we're content, we bring that to the world instead of taking something away from the world. So despite the whirlwind of... sadness, of lack, whatever... maybe we can find a way to be content with it, so that we at least contribute something (not detract) to everyone else.

    But it's such a lofty goal when everything seems so blah, ain't it?

  2. What I'm missing is to truly feel happy and content in the present moment, regardless of my life circumstances.

    I had just read E's latest post, and your sentence above reminded me of the man plucking a strawberry.

    How amazing that "hope" sprung up so quickly as the answer to your question. I'm always stunned at the way in which the yoga can aid in pointing us to clarity, toward exactly what it is we need, as clearly as if "HOPE" (or insert your word here) were flashing in neon lights.

  3. What a deep and emotional post. I feel you. I can relate.

    My thoughts are with you, M.
    Keep on the yoga, it's amazing how something so simple and so complicated is our saving grace at the best and worst and just blah times.

  4. Yolk E~ I love this advice: "maybe we can find a way to be content with it, so that we at least contribute something (not detract) to everyone else." Thank you!
    Catherine~ I went right over and read that post and was floored at how much it relates! Thank you!
    AHappyYogi~ you are the sweetest! **hugs**
    Lady J~ Thank you so much, and you are is simple and complicated at the same time.