Tonight was 6pm with Dray. It was packed. There were over 50 students in the room and roughly 15 of them were new. Amidst all of the flurry of activity as yogis jockeyed for space, I knelt on my mat quietly, feeling pensive. I gazed into the mirror, noticing the soft rolls around my midsection, the wide hips and the rolls peeking out from the sides of my sports bra right around the underarm area. Two years ago, this was what I looked like. Then I lost 20lbs and kept at least half of it off until now. I've run the gamut of being angry with myself, being sad, being frustrated, being anything but forgiving. As I sat there I realized now I just feel empty. The place where happiness used to live is empty. I stood up for practice and spent the next 90 minutes alternating between thinking too much and not thinking. Dray's nuggets of wisdom, or "Drayisms" as I love to call them, would spur me to another train of thought everytime he peppered one into the dialog. Tonight, the physical part of the postures were almost an afterthought. Tonight I dove into layers of emotional "stuff". At the end of class, laying in savasana, Dray said something about happiness. Am I happy? I wondered. The answer didn't come right away. Not happy but not unhappy finally felt right. What used to make me happy? Hope. The word came quickly. Hope. I was always working toward something. A better position at work to take better care of me and my daughter, and of course, that true love, that would turn into marriage, just waiting to swoop into my life when I was least expecting it. This past year I realized I have the job/position already (which is good!) and the true love illusions were completely shattered for me last year. Add to that the personal challenges I've faced this year that can't be blogged about, hope doesn't really spring eternal right now. Practicing yoga has taught me to always try to be present in and out of the room. To be grateful. What I've been missing is learning not to tie the strings of my happiness to fragile hope balloons. What I'm missing is to truly feel happy and content in the present moment, regardless of my life circumstances.
Rolling up my mat, armed with these thoughts and realizations, I knew I had already won half the battle. The rest will work itself out......as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other on the right path....the path that includes putting those feet on a yoga mat everyday.