I've got my space back

My last post mentioned that my blog hasn't been the free space it used to be when I started two years ago.  I mentioned somebody reading that caused me to censor my words, my feelings, everything.  He emailed me simply this:  "I will NEVER read it again.  I promise.  Please don't stop because of me.  I just wanted to know/was hoping you were OK....."
And I believe him.  He won't read.  So I have my space back.  I can post honestly again.  It's also time for a face lift.  You know, some spring cleaning so to speak.  My lists of blogs need to be cleaned up.  Also there are some great new Bikram bloggers on the scene that I need to add!  I've been finding them courtesy of Hannah's blog.
I missed you guys! 

It's Unfortunate

You may have noticed that over the past year my blog has lost alot of what made it "bikramyogachick's blog".  I used to write daily and passionately.  I shared my thoughts and feelings with you on my journey.  Did I share too much?  Sometimes I did, as this is a public space.  For a long time I was anonymous, but then I started to connect with other bloggers in the bikram community and some of us started to break our anonymity.  This past year I have been unable to write in the same manner.  It came to my attention, via all of those wonderful blog statistics tools that somebody was reading who shouldn't have been.  So I started to filter myself and post less frequently, and post less "me".  I really thought that he would finally stop checking and fade off into the distance.  Then I would have my space back, my bikramyogachick blog that is mine, and that I love.  I love it because I love my readers.  I love the comments, the support and most of all the friends I have met in person.....some as far away as Malaysia!  What a fantastic thing that I was able to host a teacher trainee from Malaysia for a few days before and after training, all due to this wonderful little space I have claimed as my own! 
I have decided that I can't blog here anymore, for a long time.  I'm not going to delete it, but I also can't continue to half heartedly post, filtering because he's reading.  I'd rather go dark and silent, no explanation, but then that's not fair to the people who have been following my journey.  I wouldn't want any of you to worry about me!  So I will continue my bikram journey in silence for awhile, and really, maybe that's for the best.  After all, I do this yoga for me and right now I am drawn to the emotional healing aspect of bikram more than the physical after my tough year.  So perhaps it's best for me to do that privately anyway.  I feel good about this decision because I need to completely shut the door on this person.  He has moved on and is practically engaged, but yet he still reads.  I'm tired of wondering why.  It doesn't matter why and it's not good for me to wonder why.  It makes it hard to completely move on from the hurt that lingers from that very short chapter of my life. 
So off I go.....
Thank you so much for all of your wondeful comments.  I am always blown away by the quality of people in the bikram community.  I will still read your blogs.  Sometimes I don't comment, but I always read!  You are all very inspiring.  If I come back, with a different URL in the future, well, I know how to find all of you and tell you where I am.

Day 4: A full house

Last night was 6pm with Dray again.  Third night in a row with the fabulous Dr. Dray!  The room was packed, about 50 students with at least 8 of them being first timers.  I was in the second row and ended up being asked to move to front to accomodate some late comers.  I did and wound up next to one of the regulars.  She had read my blog post about the camel-a-thon and decided to try it.  She did great!  Rocked it out.  I happened to be flat on my back for camel so I kept glancing over.  It was her first time staying in both sets but it sure didn't look like it.  She was very calm and very strong.  Speaking of flat on my back, I sat out triangle, couldn't stay in for standing head to knee at all, had a weak standing bow and suffered during locust and fixed firm.  Oh vey, the yoga truck got me.....again!

Day 3: There's that damn truck again....

Last night was 6pm with Dray.  Once again it was smokin' hot in there.  I was tired all day and wasn't sure what to expect in class.  We started breathing and by the last few in the second set I was dripping and my shoulders were aching.  I couldn't wait for the breathing to be over.  I muddled my way through the rest of the warm up and when we got to eagle I gulped down some water at party time.  My balancing postures were a wreck.  I was weak and kept falling out and my knee was killing me.  By the time we hit the floor for savasana I was very aware I had just spent the last 45 mins being run over by the yoga truck.  In fact that little bastard even flipped me the bird as he drove off.  I struggled through the last half of the class and threw up a little "thanks" to the cosmos when it was over.  I was glad I made it through in one piece.

Day 2: Camel-a-thon

Last night was 6pm with Dray.  When I got into the room, I knelt down on my mat and thought "holy mother of God it's hot I should take off this tank top but I can't oh my god I'm going to die it's so freakin' hot".  If I'm thinking that then you know it's hot, because in general I love the heat and am rarely bothered by it.  Dray taught his usual high energy amazing class.  Where does he get all of his energy?  The class was pretty full and we all just powered through, breathing, sweating, working as a unit.  You could really feel the group energy.  We got to camel and a girl stayed in after the first set while we were in savasana.  She kept staying in there through the second set and came out with us at the end.  All total she had to be in camel for three or four minutes because the first set he had us in there for a minute.  I've seen other yogis do this.  I can only imagine how intense it is.  I was spent after being in there for just one minute!  So of course now I want to try this sometime (are you surprised?).  Dray is teaching again tonight.  I guess I better brace myself for another hot and high energy class.


**a note on running:  some of you may have seen a few posts and even another blog briefly regarding me training for a half marathon.  To make a long story short: I'm not sure I will be able to do it.  The running brought back a knee injury from running cross country in high school.  This was a knee injury that I healed by my bikram practice two years ago.  I still am trying to run but it's hurting pretty bad.  This is why I've decided to do alot of yoga, to see if I can counteract this injury and keep training.  So far it's getting worse not better, but then I just started the yoga last week.  So we'll see.  I deleted the running blog because it just wasn't as fun to write about running.  Perhaps it's the missing "social aspect".  Sometimes funny things happen in that hot room and makes for good blog fodder.  Running by yourself, well....not so much.

I'm never washing my cheek again....and Day 1 of 30

Last night was 8pm with Michael.  I met my yoga buddy Carmen down there and her and I set up in the front row.  Before class, Michael came over and said "good to see you back" and gave me a little peck on the cheek.  He walked back out of the room and I sat there kneeling on my mat, pleased as punch.  God I missed my yoga friends!  They are all so loving and so good to me!  I've said this many times before and I'll say it again:  I've found my people.
Right then and there I decided that since it was Nov. 1st, what a great day to start a 30 day challenge.  I can't let Hannah do one all by herself!