I took this picture tonight before yoga class. These are the doors to the yoga room at my new studio. They are frosted glass, but the OM symbols are clear, so you can peek in and see the practicing class, while still affording them some privacy. The minute I saw these doors I knew I was home. I am in love with them! I feel like I'm opening the door to my bliss when I grab that big handle and quietly enter the yoga room...my sanctuary.
Tonight was 530 with Michelle. Regular Mark from the old studio has transitioned up to Dray's as well and was there tonight. We lay our mats side by side in the front row, ready to practice together and draw energy from each other. After yesterdays wreck of a class, I just sent up a little request for help surviving as I lay my mat down tonight. The request did not go unanswered. Instructor Lacey was behind Mark and I to the right and the small class was quiet, determined and focused. Michelle led us through the 90 minute moving meditation beautifully. During pranayama breathing I looked at my own two eyes in the mirror. "Hi. Happy birthday. You are 39!" Inhale.....exhale....."39??... !! ... ?? ......" The number seemed strange, and then sort of scary, and then just strange again....and then it floated away. I spent a quiet weekend with my daughter. Watching New Moon and listening to her fawn over the kid who played Jacob (can't blame her!), window shopping, grocery shopping, cooking dinner and renting movies. It was lovely. Today I woke up, went to work, went to yoga. Business as usual. Standing head to knee rolled around and I remembered my promise to kick out both sets. Feeling strong I did. Michelle gave me a correction on my kicked out leg and it really helped. I came out about 5 seconds early each time, but was fairly solid and happy with that, even getting my elbows down further and really sucking my stomach in. Standing bow was awesome. I saw Lacey out of the corner of my eye (inspiring!) and tried to stay in with her....trying to breathe with her. Second set it worked and I really got my body down further than ever, but only by really kicking UP. It was a different feeling and I could tell I had just pushed my edge. I caught my eye in the mirror afterwards and thought "Happy Birthday!". Now that's what I call a nice present!
Laying on my mat in final savasana I thought about my birthday last year. I was in the middle of a romantic rollercoaster disaster. I went out to Blue Martini with a ton of friends. I had just gone to a 20 year high school reunion, after losing 20 pounds in three months and then a fun houseboat trip. Part of me was living the single life to the hilt, the other part of me was hurting from rollercoaster romance and yet another part was trying to come to terms with being in my late 30's and really trying to figure things out.
This year is different. I had opportunites to celebrate the same way I did last year. None of it appealed to me. I just wanted quiet. I wanted my daughter and I wanted yoga. That's what I wanted for my birthday. Saturday night when she wanted to go over to a friends, I dropped her off and went out for a quiet dinner alone, netbook in tow. I sat there, enjoying my own companionship, quietly eating and catching up on blogs. For once I didn't feel like I was missing out on the party. For once, I was at peace.
Again, Happy Birthday! And of course, you gave yourself the best present by going to class :) As for the age, I'll tell you something Bikram said in a class I took from him - "Death does not chase us. We chase death."
ReplyDeleteGreg~ hmmm. I like that quote! And thanks for the happy birthday. It really was....a happy birthday in that yoga room tonight. There was no where else I would rather be!
ReplyDeleteI recognize myself so much in your post about the crazyness around 38, then the calmness as I turned 40. It just gets better!
ReplyDeleteFirst, hope your bday was happy! Sounds very peaceful which is how it should be. Second, love those doors so much! I want them at our studio! Finally, it's amazing how all our experiences sound the same. I turned 40 this past July and had a very hard time with the number. I was a basketcase. I struggled with for weeks leading up to it. Then I took the time to really think about it. Why am I so upset? It's a number and I am still ME. I'm happy, healthy, content, more confident with who I am than ever...Oh sure I have had my ups and downs with relationships and I'd love to be with a great guy right now. But right now it's not meant to be. More time to work on Traci, right? I ended up having a great birhtday weekend with 3 days of celebrating with family and friends. And in the end, after the day passed. I was indeed the same strong, determined, sensitive person. Glad your day waas celebrated just as you wanted. :)
ReplyDeleteSounds like a lovely birthday, Michelle. Happy, happy to you! And hugs, too, of course. Always hugs.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the perfect way to celebrate a birthday!! Love your studio's doors too!! Can't wait to check it out next year :)
ReplyDeleteWondering if your daughter is old enough to practice BY and whether she is interested at all. There are a couple of parents at my studio that bring their 14 year old kids. I am jealous. Mines are too little (1 and 4 year old) to do this :(
aHappyYogi~ It is nice to know these feelings are normal and that others have been through it ahead of me!
ReplyDeleteTraci~ I like the final outcome of your thinking...that you are still the same strong confident woman. I figure turning 40 won't be so bad. After all, what's the alternative? Death. I'll turn 40. :) P.S- you don't LOOK 40 at all!
Hannah~ Thank you so much...hugs back across the blogoshhere!
Cirita~ She practiced with me for about 6 mos. Was very good at it too! Then got bored with it. Now I leave her alone about it, hoping she will come back to it on her own someday. She was 14 at the time. Now she's 15 and too wrapped up in high school stuff. Understandable! When yours are bigger they can do floor series with you! So cute when little ones wait in the lobby and then come in for the floor series. Adorable!
Ohhh, I can't wait!!
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the last line from Oriah's "The Invitation"... "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep, in the empty moments." It sounds like that's what you've been finding. Congratulations on your birthday. :)
ReplyDeleteJ~ that is one of my favorite poems! The first time I ever heard it was after an awesome Bikram class. Dray read it to us.
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