Currently I am facing a problematic situation. Yesterday morning (Friday) I thought I had a plan of action, one that was scary but seemed like the right thing to do. That afternoon, new information (of the very negative sort) came to light that put me back on the fence. New information that made it a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" dilemma. All day I walked around with a tight neck, strained face and the all to familiar elephant sitting on my chest. Class last night was 530 with Yuko. It was better than the previous nights and starting to feel more in sync and flowing but still not that great.
I woke up this morning after a fitful night of hardly any sleep, agonizing over my now "non solution" to my big problem. I threw up a silent plea for help to the universe and got out of bed, feeling groggy and exhausted. I opened my "Meditations from the Mat" book (thanks Duffy) and read a chapter that absolutely floored me. The author, Rolf Gates on "Day 87" says this: "Anxious to uphold our self-image, to acquire an outcome, we cannot wait until our mud settles and the water is clear. Fearful of a negative outcome, we are unable to remain still till right action arises by itself." I read the chapter over again and just sat there, floored.
I threw on my favorite yoga sundress, packed my bag and headed out to 930 am yoga with Connie. What happened in that room for that 90 minutes brought joy to my heart, a smile to my lips, every cell settling into a peaceful beautiful dance. My yoga body showed back up (was missing it!) and my practice was a 90 minute moving mediation. I let Connie's soothing voice guide me smoothly in and out of each posture, strong, flowing, surfing my breath. It was a practice just like so many of the good ones I had during my challenge. I wanted to laugh with joy, skip, sing, hug Connie, something! I thanked her after class and told her it was the best class I had all week. She smiled and said, "It was you, not me, and stop judging the classes you had the last few days. They were not "bad' they were breakthroughs. No judgements on your practice, ever".
On the way home to wake up my most likely still sleeping teenage daughter, I blasted the air against the desert heat and listened to U2's "The moment of Surrender". There is a line that says "In the moment of surrender, I folded to my knees, I did not notice the passerbys, and they did not notice me". It made me think of the many times I crashed to my knees this week during my tough practices in the standing series. Bono sounds a bit angsty when he is belting out that line, but I decided right then and there that perhaps when you crash to your knees in pain, and surrender, really, isn't it more like relief? You are not giving up, you are giving in....letting go.....