Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 54: Cyring! There's no crying in yoga!!

Today was 530 with Roberta. Before class, Reggi, Ray and I were cutting up in the lobby, joking around, being our usual boisterous selves. Reggi and I set up in the front row next to an empty mat, with Ray right behind us. Once class started, we saw that the empty mat belonged to teacher Brandy. Brandy also competes and won first place in our regionals last fall. I had the awesome pleasure of falling out of standing bow second set just in time to look over and see her fully locked out. Wow! It was gorgeous!
I must admit, I was struggling quite a bit today. My elbow still bothers me (it was really bothering me in standing bow) and I was feeling a bit fatigued halfway through the standing series. I kept going though, refused to take a knee. In part because I knew I would get called out and it just seemed easier to push through it rather then have to take a knee and jump back up. That takes more energy sometimes, right? Well, at least that is what I told my heat addled brain when I thought I was going to collapse. I kept telling myself "all you need is air Michelle, just breathe" and muddled my way through the rest of standing with not stellar postures. Once I hit the floor I started to really feel it. Suddenly my brain said "I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!" and I had the urge to pick up my mat and leave. It was a very very strong urge let me tell you! I forced myself to stay and suddenly, trapped in my own panicked thoughts I fell apart. By the time we flipped over for cobra, I was a mess. I came out early first set and felt a lump in my throat. Then tears welled up in my eyes. What? Yup, I was kind of crying. On and off through spine series, coming out of locust and full locust early, red faced, teary eyed. Boy was I feeling sorry for myself! I mentally slapped myself when we got to fixed firm. "Get a grip Michelle!" and was OK until camel. Crying after camel is so cliche' that I figured I was safe and wouldn't do it. First set of camel, I flop over for savasana and again feel the lump in my throat. "What the heck is wrong with you?" I thought. Then I just let it go. I did a mental shrug and let myself feel whatever it was I needed to feel. I stayed in final savasana longer than normal and actually started to feel much much better. As I lay there a thought drifted through my head "the only way to the other side is through". The one giant thing that is stressing me out in life right now has to be navigated, there is no other way. I can't go over it, I can't go around it, I can't lay down, close my eyes and hope it goes away...I have to go through it, experience it and then let it go. Just like in that yoga room, we have to push through that 90 minutes to get to the other side. Once we get there....bliss. I sure hope bliss is waiting for me!


  1. I can just TOTALLY hear Tom Hanks in that subject line!! Would never have guessed you'd just had such a rough class tonight. Was great to talk to you!!! :)

  2. No harm crying in yoga! I've cried after locust, camel, full locust... just let it all out.

    So much better after that!

    Oh yeah, as they say, if you feel like shit, be happy, cause good things are coming your way!

  3. I almost lost it on my mat last night, too. It's strange, isn't it, how absolutely HORRIBLE that "Oh my God, I'm about to cry" feeling is when you're trying to work it all out on that yoga mat! It's gut-wrenching.

    But, yes, we must push through it, always. Sighhh.... :)

  4. J~ I must confess, getting your text/phone call boosted my mood considerably! Blog friends rock!

    Mei~ Could the good thing coming my way be a tiny package from malaysia in just SIX days??? :)= **jumping up and down**

    Hannah~ what would we do withouut our mats to work this stuff out on? I'm quite sure I would internalize everything, so thank God that mat can handle all of the emotions we spill out onto it.

  5. Hello,
    I've been a lurker here for a while, and I feel so much that you are going through some heavy stuff so I just wanted to say:

    Take care! It will solve itself to the best, always!

  6. AHappyHogi~ Welcome! Thank you so much for the kind words. These comments help me tremendously. It's like a big "virtual" hug. :)

  7. Can I ever relate... from the panic of thinking life is over and wanting to desperately leave the room, to staying and dealing with the emotions that come up from sticking it out. I'm SO proud of you for staying, for going through it. The darkest hour is just before the dawn! Keep at it - you are an inspiration. :)