"Come on Michelle, you've been doing this for almost 3 years, what is wrong with you? Your body can do this, why are you suddenly making a such a big deal about the discomfort? You've got to find comfort in the discomfort"
"fuck that. This is just stupid and painful lately. I can't get into the postures as well as I could even just a month ago. I'm backsliding all of the sudden! And look at my midsection! That 12 pounds I struggled to lose last fall, with starvation and tears is back! My body is ugly and misshapen. It doesn't look like the body of someone who does Bikram as much as I do and for almost 3 years now!"
"Damn, OK, calm down. Focus. Breathe."
"I don't want to. In fact, I don't want to do this challenge at all anymore. It's pointless. I might as well shut down the stupid blog, stop doing this yoga and just be over 200 pounds again. I can't keep weight off anyway what's the friggin' use"
"............Ok, try to listen to the dialog. Try to stay in the room. Just breathe"
The internal monologue quieted down for a few postures. I kept going, praying it would stay quiet for the rest of the series. It didn't. Once we hit the floor for savasana I just hit a wall. Hot tears pricked at my eyes and my throat felt swollen as if a black ball of negative energy was welling up from my chest, blocking out any air. I laid there, trying to clear my mind of the negative self talk about weight. This is a never ending dialog with me and I'm tired of it. I flipped over to do the spine series and received some instruction on cobra. That got me out of my head for a bit, but unfortunately not the whole practice. I kept getting more upset, more sure I needed to give up on yoga on the challenge, on weight reduction, on dating on everything!
"Dating? Where did that come from? I'm not even dating, it's been a year since my last relationship. I'm taking time off to heal and learn."
Then the other voice came back and this time hit me with a whammy that left me breathless: "Oh really." It said with a sneer. "And why didn't your last relationship work out?"
"He told me from the very beginning that he can't do daily relationships and the he is unable to commit."
"Uh huh. Well then why did he immediately get another girlfriend at your same place of work and they now drive to work together every day for months now in her car, like an old married couple."
I lay there in final savasana digesting this. I didn't even realize it bothered me so much. I had buried it deep deep deep. I realized I have been angry at myself for ignoring a red flag and allowing myself to get hurt. I stood up to collect my things and looked at myself in the mirror in the darkness. I caught my eye and said "be kind, give yourself a break. you are not your weight. you are so much more than that. you will not ignore red flags next time. hey, you're ok"
I left the room and was my usual smiling self in the lobby after class. I certainly didn't solve anything, but I was honest with myself. It took 21 days of painful yoga to force it out of me. I've been too busy trying to be strong.
Sorry such a long post. I'm going to go pack the yoga bag for tomorrow! This challenge will not be about cute little improvements like finally wrapping my leg in eagle. Obviously this one is going after those inner layers of the onion.
I'm OK with that.