Last night when I was writing that very emotional soul baring post I almost did not click publish. I wrote it, to get it out and then sat there staring at the publish button, unable to click it. I was torn. I felt like I would either be very brave or very stupid to put that out there. Then I thought back to some other emotional posts last year and with a shrug of my shoulders I just said "this is me, bikramyogachick" CLICK.
Then today something incredible happened. Throughout the day an outpouring of support came in via the comments. Women who could relate, men who could empathize and appeciated my honesty, yogis who have practiced longer than me and some that teach that know this is part of the process. I gleaned so much from those comments. I felt surrounded by all of you. I can't even really explain just how powerful it was.
I went to class tonight and humbly laid my mat down in the front row next to yoga bff Mark. I told him I had been demoting myself from that spot and he just shrugged and said "I'm going in the front". I followed suit, hoping I would at least not distract anybody if I had a rough go of it.
Class starts and I catch my big brown eyes in the mirror. Startled, my eyes softened then I smiled, a tiny smile. At myself! Frank starts the class and asks if there are any first timers. There was a married couple right behind me, the wife experienced, the hubby, first time. Frank points at me and Mark and says "Watch the yogis in the front row they are very experienced and will guide you through". I set my intention right then and there. "I've been struggling. I don't expect to be a rockstar up here today. But please let me show the newcomer proper form, breathing and stillness between postures so he has somebody to guide him through his difficult first time".
What happened in the next 90 minutes was incredible. The room was perfect temperature. Frank was his lovely entertaining self. Mark breathed and stretched beside me, a comforting presence. I had no negative thoughts hurtling through my brain. In fact, my mind checked out and played "Moment of Surrender" by U2 over and over again throughout the standing series to entertain itself. Sort of like background music. I was comfortable, effortless, and had the breath of 100 blogging Bikram yogis flowing through me. I felt like God parted the clouds, and smiling, laid his hand on my shoulder and said "my dear child, you get a get out of jail free pass today, courtesy of your amazing yogi friends". By the floor series I was giddy with joy. I wanted to run across a hot sandy beach, salty air in my face, ocean waves crashing, hair flying around my face, arms lifted upward and throw my head back to laugh with joy!
Even if I have to go back to suffering for the next 80 days, this was worth it. This 90 minutes of beautiful moving meditation without wanting to stab myself in the eye with a pen....it was worth it. So thank you. All of you. I responded to each and every comment. I was blown away and no I did not cry (LIE).