Sunday, April 26, 2009
Day 91: Turn the Page
Today is the most difficult day for me emotionally that I have experienced for a long time. I won't get into details, but I will just share that today I finally ended a 9 month off and on relationship. It was a veritable emotional roller coaster. I have learned how to walk away at the end when things don't work. Not today. Today I made a scene. I did it on purpose because I finally understood it needed to happen that way. I don't feel good about what I did, but it was necessary because I knew I could not allow myself to invest anymore of my heart in this back and forth game. I dragged myself to 130 yoga feeling very much like a wounded animal. I looked at my own two eyes in the mirror and saw that I looked calm. The room was upwards of 110, brutally hot. I stood there waiting for class to begin looking at the other yogis around me, mostly men today for some reason, and thought how funny that nobody knows what is going on inside me. Nobody knows there are violent ocean waves of pain pounding my heart, my mind, my soul. As a wounded animal will lash out in pain, so did I. I lashed out to the only person available. Myself. I pushed, I pulled, I stretched, I kicked, I went to my edge and beyond on every single posture including the first breathing. Frank encouraged me, corrected me, walked around me every now and then as he checked the temp in the room, unaware of my struggle, of the dragon I was trying to slay. I punished myself for trusting, for loving, for believing, for hoping...I punished myself for always looking for the good in every single person no matter how they start to behave towards me. I fell to my knees second set of triangle, staggering back up for more. By the time I got to camel I thought to myself "no, I can't do camel, my hearts been open for 9 months, I just can't" and then I did. I did it anyway, because that is the essence of me. I walked out of the studio into the sunshine, shaky, fatigued, beaten. Frank was walking back from his car and said "Mish, you are beautiful". That is Frank. He is always telling us women how wonderful we are. He doesn't really know us, he just teaches, but yet perhaps he knows us better than anybody, watching our beautiful struggle. I thanked him and he asked how I felt. I answered back that I felt good, that I really pushed myself today. And I do. Feel good. Because this too shall pass. Heartbreaks are minor compared to deaths, illnesses, loss of job, home....the list goes on. This is just the end of a chapter. Not the whole book. So I take a deep breath, and turn the page.