Saturday, July 5, 2008

Day 35: Pouring out

I don't know where to begin with this post. As I type, I'm crying. I haven't really stopped crying since yesterday. My dog passed away last night. It all happened so quickly. She had been declining for a few months now, but what happened yesterday was so sudden, brutal, abrupt, traumatic. When I got home from yoga yesterday afternoon she was clearly not able to use her back legs hardly at all, they were getting stuck. I went to a BBQ for 4th of July for a couple of hours. I came home early because I had a feeling and when I got home she was unable to use her hind legs at all. I called around and found an emergency vet and after trying to explain while sobbing hysterically to this poor gal who answered she gave me directions. My daughter stayed behind at the BBQ and was going to get a ride home from one of my coworkers, David. I called David and told him I was bringing Madison to the vet and he said he would bring Ashley and meet me there. I brought Madison to the car and layed her in the back seat as carefully as I could. She let out an agonized howl that sounded like a human cry. I started to drive and kept reaching back to touch her but she wasn't moving. I didn't even get hardly a block away. She died on me right there in the car. I was absolutely hysterical, screaming "No! Madison, please! No!" but when I picked up her head she was gone. I called David and told him just to come to the house. I don't know why I'm writing this story on my yoga blog. I just need to I guess. I'm having a hard time processing what I went through...I feel so terrible, so bad for her, so sad....I can't get that howl out of my head or the way she felt in my arms when I was cradling her head, hoping against hope that she was just passed out. I have never seen anything die before and it affected me so profoundly. I'm just very thankful my daughter was not there for that part. She was so upset and could not sleep all night last night. She left to go to her dads today until next Friday and I'm glad because the house is so silent and so empty with Madison gone. I didn't want Ashley sitting around all week by herself when I'm at work.
Today I went to 1pm yoga. Connie was teaching and it was so fitting that it would be her. Connie is very spiritual, into energy and balance. She's older than the other teachers and is very gentle, very nice soothing peaceful energy. I shouldn't have been there, because I could not stop crying the whole class, but I knew I needed to do something other than sitting at home by myself. Lucky for me its so humid, hopefully nobody could see my tears. I was just pouring out onto my mat, sweat, tears sadness. It was washing down my face, running down my arms, like a sad rainy melody. I was very strong physically today, incredibly strong. My back injury from yesterday, gone when I woke up today. I pulled something yesterday, I was in so much pain I could hardly sit. But it was gone when I woke up. Perhaps Madison took my pain with her. I don't know, it's so strange. This morning when I was making coffee I thought I heard the tap tap tap of her nails on the tile and I just froze, the hairs on the back of my neck electrified, the force of my own mind wishing she was there I suppose. This year has been all about loss for me, the end of a relationship that needed to end, watching an animal I had grown to love deeply pass away, changes with my teenage daughter (teenagers break our hearts frequently it seems). So I just poured out all of that loss on my mat today....and I realized that today isn't enough. I can't pour it out and be done. There is too much healing left to do. I feel raw, exposed, turned inside out. I must confess, I also feel alone. I just keep telling myself, this too shall pass. All of it. My life is not going to stay this way forever, seasons change, people come and go, daughters grow up, blossom and find their way and everything comes full circle.


  1. Michelle,

    I am reaching across the miles to embrace you. I feel your emotion so deeply in this post. I know how you feel, in so many ways I cannot even begin to express here. I wrote a post of the same title on my personal blog: Pouring Out. And although it's different, I am also surprised at how similar our journeys seem to be. I am touched by the honestly you have shared here. Oh how many classes I have cried through. It's a solace to know that in all the heat and sweat the tears can pour in such a safe and anonymous way. I have suffered a loss myself this week and although it was a loss I was due, the pain is so real. Sometimes the mat is the only place that we can deal safely with our grief. Letting, letting go, and being real are our only tools. You seem so pliable and soft in this pain. I mourn your loss but also see your struggle as a bright light along your journey. The things we lose often keep us humble and ever remind us of the sanctity of our bond to each other (our pets) and our practices.

    Sending love and light to you tonight.


  2. Oh Michelle... I am so sorry. Pets really touch our lives in so many ways, we count on them for unconditionally love, when we can find it no where else. I know this will be hard for a while for both you and Ashley.
    I was very overwhelmed by your last part too...I have a daughter who is grownup....and I feel split down the middle - part of me so ready for her to move and so proud and excited to watch her do this. But the other part of me is really not ready for her to not be the child who lives with me!
    And love, damn Michelle, I'm not sure it will ever find me again. I feel so blessed to have had the wonderful marriage I had. This week is 9 year anniversary of my husband's death...again I am split as it seem like he was just here with me raising kids, loving us all, but also 9 years, that's a long time ago....I do believe someone special will be in my life again, but I must admit sometimes it doesn't feel that way and it can be depressing. Then I remind myself how truely my life is blessed with love even if it isn't romantic love. Love ya girl, see ya for our big day tomorrow!

  3. I'm sooo sorry for your loss and I send good, warm thoughts to you all the way from Sweden. Your blog made me break out in tears and I can only say that I know what it feels like loosing a true friend like your dog.
    It's good to feel. Let yourself feel for as long as you need.

  4. Oh Michelle, we're so, so sorry. I've been thinking about you all weekend wondering how Madison was since you told us about her at the bbq. I'm so sad to read this. If there's absolutely anything you need please don't hesitate to let us know.

    Heather & Mike