Day 35: Pouring out

I don't know where to begin with this post. As I type, I'm crying. I haven't really stopped crying since yesterday. My dog passed away last night. It all happened so quickly. She had been declining for a few months now, but what happened yesterday was so sudden, brutal, abrupt, traumatic. When I got home from yoga yesterday afternoon she was clearly not able to use her back legs hardly at all, they were getting stuck. I went to a BBQ for 4th of July for a couple of hours. I came home early because I had a feeling and when I got home she was unable to use her hind legs at all. I called around and found an emergency vet and after trying to explain while sobbing hysterically to this poor gal who answered she gave me directions. My daughter stayed behind at the BBQ and was going to get a ride home from one of my coworkers, David. I called David and told him I was bringing Madison to the vet and he said he would bring Ashley and meet me there. I brought Madison to the car and layed her in the back seat as carefully as I could. She let out an agonized howl that sounded like a human cry. I started to drive and kept reaching back to touch her but she wasn't moving. I didn't even get hardly a block away. She died on me right there in the car. I was absolutely hysterical, screaming "No! Madison, please! No!" but when I picked up her head she was gone. I called David and told him just to come to the house. I don't know why I'm writing this story on my yoga blog. I just need to I guess. I'm having a hard time processing what I went through...I feel so terrible, so bad for her, so sad....I can't get that howl out of my head or the way she felt in my arms when I was cradling her head, hoping against hope that she was just passed out. I have never seen anything die before and it affected me so profoundly. I'm just very thankful my daughter was not there for that part. She was so upset and could not sleep all night last night. She left to go to her dads today until next Friday and I'm glad because the house is so silent and so empty with Madison gone. I didn't want Ashley sitting around all week by herself when I'm at work.

Today I went to 1pm yoga. Connie was teaching and it was so fitting that it would be her. Connie is very spiritual, into energy and balance. She's older than the other teachers and is very gentle, very nice soothing peaceful energy. I shouldn't have been there, because I could not stop crying the whole class, but I knew I needed to do something other than sitting at home by myself. Lucky for me its so humid, hopefully nobody could see my tears. I was just pouring out onto my mat, sweat, tears sadness. It was washing down my face, running down my arms, like a sad rainy melody. I was very strong physically today, incredibly strong. My back injury from yesterday, gone when I woke up today. I pulled something yesterday, I was in so much pain I could hardly sit. But it was gone when I woke up. Perhaps Madison took my pain with her. I don't know, it's so strange. This morning when I was making coffee I thought I heard the tap tap tap of her nails on the tile and I just froze, the hairs on the back of my neck electrified, the force of my own mind wishing she was there I suppose. This year has been all about loss for me, the end of a relationship that needed to end, watching an animal I had grown to love deeply pass away, changes with my teenage daughter (teenagers break our hearts frequently it seems). So I just poured out all of that loss on my mat today....and I realized that today isn't enough. I can't pour it out and be done. There is too much healing left to do. I feel raw, exposed, turned inside out. I must confess, I also feel alone. I just keep telling myself, this too shall pass. All of it. My life is not going to stay this way forever, seasons change, people come and go, daughters grow up, blossom and find their way and everything comes full circle.